11/04/2011

stranded up high on a telephone wire

The sun lightly shines on the pages of my book.

There hasn’t been much going on today, some glances, a few interesting faces, nothing much. Me and my book and my almost closed, fluttering eyelids. Some guy shouting “Oh, look at that girl,” but I’m about sure he’s not referring to me, and so I keep my head in the pages. No reaction is a reaction too, you know.

Then, the wish for not being surrounded by people and their possible glances and their noisiness has become strong enough to make me move.

When I’m getting up, packing my things together, one of these guys calls out to me. “Hey there, hottie!,” he shouts, with this tone in his voice that makes me want to throw up in his face and sink into the ground at the same time. It is this mixture of contempt and shameless boldness that makes me blush, pack my things together hastily and walk away without daring to look at them, him and his crowd. I just want to flee. Flee the attention.

It is this shout that makes my inner self tremble.

My thoughts are swelling inside my head, becoming foggy and too fast to catch up with. Someone’s laughing, mockily, laughing about me, and someone else joins in, and another one; taunting me, chasing me, all of them. I feel like I’m being encircled by a crowd of wolves, all the faces start rotating around me, stirring the air – and then it stops. It stops because of one thought; a simple, logical one. 

“I’m going crazy,” I say to myself, and it calms me down.

They’re not laughing about me, they’re just laughing, it doesn’t mean anything. Although my head’s still swimming, and my lungs are gasping for air, I keep walking steadily down the pavement. I still feel the situation burning on my cheek, still feel myself fading away into dizziness and people looking and not-looking at me, but I also feel that I’m still there. I feel that I want to scream, want to show them all I’m alive, I am here, even if you don’t notice me, even if you don’t care, all of you!, but that would mean giving in to insanity, and that’s not what I want right now.

What I want right now is a clear head, a lot of darkness to surround me and no one’s voice to touch.

1 comment:

  1. your descriptions are awesome
    anytime
    i can always feel by your words

    ReplyDelete